There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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