My liver just broke up with me...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
