best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
