I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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