You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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