I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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