I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
