Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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