just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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