If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
farters have to be the big spoon...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
