my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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