I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
