paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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