he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
