Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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