the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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