At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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