i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
