She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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