I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you traded sex for a burrito?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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