Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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