Jerry, you need to find god
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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