Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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