just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
