Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
