I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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