You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have aggressive nipples.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
