So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
