exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
