note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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