you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
