I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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