ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
