I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
