I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
