Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
