If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish I only lived at night.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
