DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
