I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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