he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
