Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
