I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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