I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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