if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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