"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
