apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
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Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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