I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
