So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Congratulations! We have a period
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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