All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.