He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.