There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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