She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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