when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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