My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
