my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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