So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
