Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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