I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
