Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
